Where My Heart Truly Lies
by Boaz Priestly
Summary: Lily tries to understand what her heart is telling her.
1. One step back

Title: Where My Heart Truly Lies Category: TV Shows ╩ Radio Free Roscoe Author: Boaz Priestly Language: English, Rating: Fiction Rated: K+ Genre: Romance/Drama Published: 01-31-05, Updated: 03-31-05 Chapters: 9, Words: 11,536

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Chapter 1: One step back --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Disclaimer: I own none of these characters, though I wish I did.

Lily opens her eyes again, still reeling from the reality of her memory. Or was that a dream? She didn▓t know; she still felt disconcerted from the horrible events of the Mr. Roscoe Pageant. She could still hear Parker▓s voice in her head┘■Surprise.■ There. The tears were coming back again. Wonderful. Damn him for doing this to her. He had been her best friend forever and he should have known that this would embarrass her. Embarrass her and woo her at the same time. She had been angry when he asked her out but she could still picture the soft brown eyes, staring hopefully into hers.

She sat on her bed, holding her old stuffed bear tightly. Stupid thing, she thought, looking down at the toy. I don▓t know why I didn▓t throw you away years ago. She settles back against her headboard, biting her lip hard so as to not start crying again. The bear had taken her mind a few years back. Her eyes began to flutter closed as memories flooded her mind.

⌠You sleep with a teddy bear?■ he asks, his tone mocking. ⌠Ha ha! Lily sleeps with her teddy bear!■ He turned to look at her, ⌠I bet you leave a night light on and suck your thumb too, don▓t you?■

Oh, how she hated him. Why was it that he was her best friend one minute and the next she was just another girl with cooties? She looks back at the boy and rolls her eyes, ⌠Yeah? Well, at least I don▓t still wet the bed,■ She held the stuffed toy up to the boy▓s face, ▒This is just something that I have to keep so that I don▓t hurt my mom▓s feelings. You wouldn▓t know about feelings would you? You▓re so dumb.■ She bit off the last few words and folded her arms, turning away from him as she refused to speak to him. Again.

⌠Aww, come on, Lil,■ he pouted. ⌠I was only joking. Jeez, you have to get mad at everything I say.■

Keeping her eyes averted she says, ⌠That▓s because everything you say pisses me off.■

He smiled then and looked at her in feigned surprise. ⌠If your mom heard you using such language,■ in a high pitched tone he added, ⌠Lily Randall, I▓m disappointed in you.■ He was trying to make her laugh; she wasn▓t going to let it work. She squeezes her arms more tightly around herself, as if doing so was instant protection and a perfect way to keep any unwanted laughter from escaping. She continues to ignore him.

Seeing that he had his work cut out for him, the boy decided to play dirty. He walks up behind her and sinks his fingers into her sides.

⌠Ray,■ she giggles, ⌠Stop that!■ She gets out as many words as possible between gasps for air. ⌠I▓m warning you!■ she screams.

Feeling satisfied, he pulls away, ⌠There, now don▓t you feel much better?■ She grits her teeth and punches him in the arm. ⌠Ow!■ he exclaims, ⌠Why are you always so violent?■ He rubs his arm, and then scratches his head as he tries to think of something fun to do on a hot, sunny day. ⌠Wanna go throw water balloons at people from the top of Mr. Draker▓s stairs?■ he asks, his brown eyes shining with happiness and hope.

⌠Sure,■ she smiles back, the entire fight now forgotten as they raced down the stairs and out the door, not heeding Mrs. Randall▓s warning to not run in the house.

Wham! The feel and the sound of her locker door slamming shut felt somewhat refreshing. Her it was, lunch time, and all she had heard from Ray was about all of the girls he would be going out with now. I tried to take it back, she thinks, does this mean punishment for Lily for the next month?

⌠Is everything alright?■ A smooth, deep voice said, startling her out of her constant replay of memories. She exhales a sigh of relief.

Travis. He would know how to cheer her up. She turns to him, flipping her hair off of her shoulders. ⌠Hey, nothing a good friend can▓t cure.■ She smiles

He half smiles, looking tentative but concerned. ⌠So, what gives?■

She shrugs, ⌠Honestly? Not much. I▓m just feeling a little┘overlooked lately.■

Travis▓ smile broadens as he pats her arm. ⌠I always have time for you, Lil.■ He says. ⌠In fact, I was coming to you for advice. I▓m writing Bridget another letter; it▓s a little new to express myself this way and I want your input. It would mean a lot to me.■

What was this? A conspiracy? If she heard about one more girl from either of her ⌠friends■, she would scream. Fighting a very strong urge to roll her eyes and trying to keep her disappointment out of her voice, she replied, ⌠Look, I▓ll help you on that later, okay? I▓m supposed to meet Parker right now.■

Travis, now beaming with his lap top in his hand, says, ⌠Great! I▓ll catch up with you later.■

She simply nods and turns away. ⌠Sure┘later,■ she mumbles as she walks off.

I forgot my jacket. This day is turning out better and better by the moment, she thinks bitterly.

Instead of finding Parker, or anyone for that matter, Lily opted to sit on one of the vacant benches outside. No one ate lunch outside at this time of year. It was too cold, and here she was without even a jacket to comfort her.

Comfort. That▓s what she needed and what she had expected from Travis. He had never failed to be there for her before. Looking up, she spies a lone, brittle leaf. A lone hold-out, in the face of winter, twisting in the cutting wind. Great, she thinks, just what I needed, a visual metaphor of my life.

She pulls her legs up and wraps her arms around her knees as she stares stubbornly at the cloudy, depressing sky. Her mind begins to drift again, just a little. Just enough to forget the here and now. She managed a small, sad smile as she thought what Travis would say about that. 


	2. Believe

**Disclaimer: They're still not mine**

**A/N: Thank you to everyone that reviwed the last chapter. You made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. My beta is busy right now, so bear with me. Oh, and this story is from Lily's POV, but I think you have probably figured that out by now.**

" But your good Lily" Travis says " You're better than good. You're brillant and you are going to make it. That is, if you would drop a little of the pessimism." She glares back at him " It's not pessimism. It's realism." He cocks his head to the side and gives her one of those looks that she hates. A look of purity. A look that somehow made the green in his eyes stand out even more. A look that never failed to make her heart skip a beat.

"You're right" he says, his voice as smooth as velvet. "It won't become real if you never believe in it." He takes her hand and she hopes that it isn't sweating yet, or that he can somehow feel or hear her heartbeat. "More importantly, it will never become real if you don't believe in yourself. I believe in you Lily but that isn't enough."

It was as if nothing else existed at that moment but she, Travis, and the makeshift radio station they sat in. " I'm trying" she says, her eyes tearing up. " I am, but when I imagine other people listening to my music and hating it...It's just something that I don't think I could handle."

Travis smiles and squeezes her hand " You can handle more than you could possible imagine. One thing that you will never have to handle is people turning away from your music. Lily, it's beautiful...Just like..." he cuts off and turns away quickly. " Like what" she asks " What were you going to say Travis"

He let's go of her hand and pulls back. " Nothing, it wasn't important. What is important is the fact that you start to believe in you, Lily Randall. She bites her bottom lip, feeling his warmth and knowing that he would never lie to her. From now on, she would start believing, in her music and herself.

-

" Randi" Lily jumps at the sound of Parker's voice as it tears her away from reliving one of her favorite memorie.

" What are you doing out here all alone and mopey" Parker asks.

" Moping" Lily answers, resting her chin on her knees and pouting.

" Well, moping is a word that is not in Parker's vocabulary" she grins "Come on, let's go walk around and look for hot guys."

Lily has to laugh " Hot guys are the cause of my moping. How 'bout we go to the music room and work on some songs" she asks, feeling a little more at ease now.

Parker shrugs " Cool beans."

Lily glances at the clock for the thousandth time during her last class of the day. _Just five more minutes and you're out of here_. She had never wanted school to end so badly in her entire life. As the teacher drones on, the final bell rings and Lily is the first one out the door. _Now, if I can get this part over with, I'm home free for the day,_ she thinks as she heads to the station.

She takes a deep breath before she walks in, telling herself that none of it matters. Ray, Travis, and Robbie can form their own little club if they want, she had her own friends. She was only half surprised when she opened the door to find only Travis inside.

He looks up and gives her one of those smiles that reach all the way up to his eyes. _Oh goody, I bet he got an email from Bridget._ It was all she could do to keep from rolling her own eyes. " Hey Trav, where is everybody" she asks. Travis keeps his smiles and shrugs " I don't know" he says, his eyes glancing up to the clock " We have plenty of time though. _Plenty of time, that's what I used to think._

" As a matter of fact" Travis grins " We have time for you to help me with this letter." She looks at him, trying not to groan " Sure...Great" she says, putting on her fakest smile. " Let's see what you have so far." She walks over to him, dropping her things at her chair, before plopping into it. Travis slides the lap top over to her.

_Dear Bridget, blah, blah, blah...You are so beautiful...blah, blah...I am truly glad that we found one another again..._ she reads. Jeez, did she have to sit through this? This morning with Ray had been bad enough but to read these words, well, it hurt. " It's um...great Travis" she says, pushing the lap top away from her. " Really, I'm sure she'll...love it."

Travis' eyes light up " Really? You don't think it's over the top do you Lil"

She looks back into his eyes, his shining with happiness as she tries to keep her own from forming tears. " I love it" she says in a voice softer than she had intended.


	3. The Best of Friends

**A/N: Reviews. I need reviews because they are so addictive and I need help here! This is my first fic, so I'll definately take the critical ones. Thanks to everyone that has reviewed and/or read so far. Hugs**

Robbie and Ray enter the station at the same time, Ray all smiles. " What can I say? When you've got, you've got it," he says as struts to his seat, with his organizer in hand.

" Yeah, you've got something alright," Travis laughs.

" Shut it, Trav, you're just jealous," Ray jokes back " Hey, if you and Bridget ever break up, I can probably help you get a date. All you have to do is say "I'm friends with the fabulous Ray Brennen". He gives Travis a serious look," Trust me, they'll come running." Travis smiles but rolls his eyes.

Robbie speaks up for the first time that afternoon " Can't you guy's just cool it and start the show already?"

_Yes,_ _anything but this._. Lily looks over at Robbie and sighs, then notices that he looked, well, kind of tense. She had seen him talking to Kim earlier and wondered if that might be the reason. She laughed to herself, Robbie could deny it all he wanted but she knew that he had the hots for Kim.

" In five, four, three," Travis says, then he counts down the last two seconds with his fingers. Robbie clicks his mic on " This is Radio Free Roscoe. I'm Question Mark, and I'm wondering, how far can a friend actually push you? I mean, you can only put up with so much when it comes to your friends. How much is too much?"

Ray, Lily and Travis look at Robbie with uncertainty. He puts his hand over his mic " It's not you guys," he says dismissively " I just overheard a conversation and it made me think."

Ray shrugs " Alrighty then," as he leans into his microphone " And this is Pronto, if you want my opinion, you shouldn't have to put up with anything when it comes to your friends. I mean, if they're truly your friends and they say something that gets stuck in your craw and you tell them to shut it, they should shut it right?" He smiles and looks around at everyone, noticing a frown on Lily's face.

Okay, but what if that isn't the case?" asks, Lily, looking at Ray " What if you feel ignored or dissed by a friend? What should you do then?"

Travis says " Well Shady, if you truly feel that way by a so-called friend, then I don't see much of a friendship there. Personally, I think your better off just letting them go." He turns a track on and adjusts the tones " And we'll let you think about that, while you listen this." He sits back in his chair after he turns the song on. " I was listening to this song last night and thought it would be a good one to send to Bridget," he says, looking toward Lily " What do you think? Do you like it Lil?"

" It's great Travis. I love it. It's a song that every guy should make a copy of and give to his beloved," she says becoming more annoyed by second.

Not hearing any of the sarcasm, Travis says " Thanks. I'll send an MP3 with tonight's email."

Lily sighs " Great, I'm sure Bridget will be a very happy girl." She decides that this would be a good time for a subject change. " No man's land might be...," she starts but is interrupted by Travis. "What do you mean, Lily? Don't you think Bridget is happy now? I get the feeling that you're trying to tell me something."

Okay, this had gotten past old. " I'm sure she's happy," Lily snaps " I'll bet she's thrilled to hear from you every night, okay? Yes, I was trying to tell you..." Again she is cut off by Travis " Have I done something to make you angry, Lily?" he asks, now confused." Ya think?" she says under her breath. The song ends and he holds up his hand for silence " I hope you enjoyed that one," he says," We are now taking calls from anyone that wants to call in about today's topic."

Ray's phone rings and he covers his mic " I've gotta take this one. It's Jennifer Rollins! Yeeeah!" Lily looks at him " Ray," she whispers harshly " Can't you do that on your own time?" Ray waves her off " It'll only take a second," he answers. " I don't care how long it takes," she snaps " That is so not the point."

The phone starts ringing and Travis looks at Lily " Umm, Lil? Why don't you take a little time off today. Something is obviously bothering you and we can cover." He puts his hand on the phone " If Ray can't answer the call then Robbie or I will. It's okay Lily...really," he says softly as he senses her anger.

Lily stands up in front of her mic " You know, Smog made a lot of sense a minute ago." Travis looks at Ray, concerned. Lily continues " True friends are there for you. No matter what. When you make a mistake, when you just need someone to talk to, they're there. It's sad because I don't have any friends like that right now." She looks over to Robbie " Well, maybe one," she says, her voice cracking. She picks up her things and walks out the door without another word, making sure to slam it hard behind her. " Stupid friends," she growls as she marches up the stairs " Stupid boys!"

"Don't look at me," Ray says to Travis. " Yeah?" he replies " Well, what have I done lately?" Then it hits him and he answers his own question " Nothing," he says in a defeated tone.

Ray looks to Travis " You know, I think I know where you're coming from T."

Robbie looks from Travis to Ray " Can you guys tell me how exactly, one of you manage to make her walk out and slam the door behind her at least once a week?"

" We suck out loud?" Ray says, trying to lighten the mood. " Girls are the hardest creatures on this planet to understand," Travis says mostly to himself.


	4. Love Hurts

**Disclaimer: They're not mine.**

**A/N: All mistakes are mine. Caalan is busy right now and I want to get this out so I can post my other one. Big hugs to Caalan for helping me though! And hugs to my Lily for inspiration.**

Lily walks aimlessly and quickly down the street. _Do I have a right to get angry?_ she thinks to herself. Ray had emabarrassed her at the Mr. Roscoe Pageant and now had all the girls he wanted. All because of her.

Travis had Bridget and she had been happy for them.

Still, she couldn't figure out where her heart truly lead her. She loved Ray, she had loved Ray forever, then she had started looking at him in a different light and that love had grown even stronger. Then when she had looked into Travis's eye's that evening, it was as if she had truly seen him for the first time and he pulled emotions out of her that she never knew existed. Stupid boys.

She realizes that she has walked to her house and looks up at it, it looked too big to her, too big and very lonely. Suddenly, she wished she'd never left the station. She sighs loudly as she opens the door and lets herself in " Anybody home?" she calls out to the empty house. " Talk about depressing," she says in a quiet voice as she heads up to her room.

She lay on her bed sulking as the phone rang over and over. She was really sick of the new message that she had put on the answering machine by the time Ray and Travis stopped their attempts at calling. She pulls her blanket around her and stares at the ceiling as she tried to suss out her feelings. _I'm wrong_, she decides, _I have no right._

She jumps at the sound of the doorbell and pulls the blanket more tightly around her. He was persistent, whether it be Travis or Ray, she had to give him that. Finally, she jumps out of bed and walks slowly down the stairs. She closes her eyes, then opens the door. Travis. She really should have figured it was him. Ray knew when she was really upset.

" I'm not in the mood," she states simply at the distraught figure in the doorway.

" Please. Just give me five minutes," he asks.

She looks down at her watch, then back up to him.

" Can I at least come in?" he asks. She looks back down at her watch " Four minutes, 45 seconds and counting," she says, tersely.

" Fine," he says, sounding mildly irritated.

" I know, I haven't been the best friend in the world lately. I want you to know Lily, I am truly sorry."

She looks at him " Okay," she responds " Doesn't matter, I'm over-reacting. I'll be fine tomorrow."

" I don't believe that," he responds.

She narrows her eye's " Well then Travis, why don't _you_ explain to _me_ how I will feel tomorrow. You seem to be an expert in that field, among others."

He shakes his head slowly " Don't Lily. Please don't do this. I told you, I have been a bad friend and I see that now but you're acting as if I have intentionally hurt you."

" You hurt me a long time ago," she snaps " You knew that I was hurt, I think I would call that intentional."

He stares at her for a moment, confused " What are you talking...,"

She cuts him off " Get a clue," she snaps, her mind telling her mouth to shut up but her heart allowing it to carry on. She looks at her watch again " Time's up," she says and begins to close the door.

He catches it, now angry " Talk to me now, before this get's out of hand."

She takes a step back and laughs, hard " Before it get's out of hand? Travis I believe that happened when you kissed me not so long ago. You choose to forget such trivial matters but I _can't_." She can feel the tears forming and hates herself for them " I've tried," she says as she feels a tear fall down her face.

" Lily," he says quietly, the pain coming through his voice. " I didn't...you never," he instinctively touches her face, wiping the tear away.

" This is a new one," she says " Travis Strong, speechless.

" He traces her cheek, moving slowly down her face and swallows hard, ready to cry himself. " You never said anything else after Ray came through that door. You told me that you only thought of me as a friend."

She slaps his hand away " For someone with so much insight, you can be pretty blind sometimes."

Now she feels the embarrassment and turns away. " You right," he says, putting a hand on the back of her shoulder " I can." She stiffens " Just leave. Leave now!"

"No," he says, turning her back around " Not until we get this resolved."

"Resolved?" she says unbelievably " And how do you propose we do that? Do you want your next email to Bridget to say that you are resolving things with me? Because if not, then it is resolved."

" I never stopped," he answers " Never."

" Is that right? You looked as if you were doing a fine job with her in your arms."

" What did you expect me to do Lil?" he asks, exasperated " There was a time that I thought you were interested but then you made it clear that you weren't ready. How long did you expect me to wait?

"Choose," she says finally, still bitter. He looks back at her. " Find out now what we tried to before he walked in. Or drop this and _never_ bring it up again." He hesitates, but only for a second, then pulls her to him harshly, looking deeply into her eyes before his mouth touches hers.

Oh, that burning in her heart, no, she can't take this. She would rather not know because if he decides that all they are is friends, she will never be able to look at him again. He deepens the kiss and her heart races. " Stop," she says suddenly, pulling back. "No," she says, shaking her head back and forth. " No, no, no!" she screams " Go Travis. I mean it...Go."

He does have to choke back a sob this time. " Okay," he whispers " It never happened. We're only friends and everything will be the same tomorrow. As it has always been." All she can do is nod her head as she closes the door, her hands now shaking.

Once it's closed, she leans against it and let's herself cry " You're right, Travis, everything will be the same tomorrow. As always," she cries to herself.


	5. No More

**A/N: Reviews Yay! Thank you all, I love reviews. Please excuse bad grammer and typo's as I am trying to get this out as quickly as possible. I can't work on my "smut" fic until I do. winks at Lily, Rini and Tina.**

_Never going to school again. Check._ Lily thinks, as she still sits in front of the door. _Never leaving this house again. Check...Changing my name. Check._ She tries to entertain herself to keep from thinking about the reality of the situation._ Home school wouldn't be that bad. Mom could give me less homework and if I had any problems I could call Ed and or Ted._

She literally jumps, her heart leaping to her throat when the doorbell rings, again._ I so don't think so,_ she thinks as she tries to calm her heart. She couldn't believe the nerve nor the persistence of Travis.

When she heard the knock, she knew that it wasn't Travis. She had heard that knock her entire life and she didn't think she would forget it, even when she was eighty years old with a house full of cats. " Come on," Ray says " I know you're there Lil. We've been through this more than once haven't we?" She almost manages a smile as she recalls the numerous times that Ray had made her mad and she had refused to come out and play with him ever again. That is, until her mom would open the door and Ray would make her give in with one of his silly tactics.

This time, she wasn't angry because he had told her that she was just a girl and couldn't throw a baseball hard. It wasn't even because he had screwed up so badly as to leave her out and choose Robbie over her. Now, she happened to be quite a few years older and her heart was truly broken this time. She chews on her bottom lip for a second before deciding that she really needed him.

She pulls herself up from the floor and reluctantly opens the door. " Just don't," she says simply " Please don't ask me what happened."

He looks at her, concerned and confused at the same time. " I won't. I promise," he says " Just let me in?" She steps back " You know your way around," she sighs, feeling drained.

Ray walks in, and gently guides her the couch in the den. " I'm sorry," he says, swallowing hard " I'm sorry about last night. I'm sorry about this afternoon, and I'm sorry for every stupid thing I have ever done to hurt you."

Nice, she was going to cry again. " No," she says, her voice quiet " I'm sorry about last night, this afternoon, and every time I have ever...," she can't finish as she begins to sob. Ray pulls her close and holds her tightly. She felt so warm, so safe in his arms. _I'm sorry that I can't understand love. That I don't even know who I love,_ she thinks, her tears falling harder as she begins to accept the realization.

She rests in his arms for what seems like an eternity before she finally pulls away.

" Please talk to me," he says, with sincerity that she had never heard from him before

. " I...I'm just confused," she starts out slowly, not meeting his eyes. " I was angry with you and I am sorry for that. I am sorry for what I said. I had no right."

" Now I'm confused," he replies " Lily, you only said what you felt. There is no reason to be sorry for that." He cups her chin and forces her to look at him " Unless, that wasn't how you felt," he says hopefully.

She looks into his eyes, the familiar warmth creeping back into her heart. " It wasn't," she answers, though she was unsure of how she felt about anything at the moment. " I never meant to hurt you."

" Really?" he asks, then takes a breath, using all of the courage he can find " Can I ask you again?" he pauses " Will you...Would you consider going out with me?"

She smiles for the first time in what felt like ages. " Yes, she replies," I think that I would like that Ray."

You mean that?" he asks feeling dizzy and nervous now. She looks at him, instead of replying, she just takes in the warmth, the feeling of comfort. The feeling that everything would be alright again. " Do you mean it Lily?" he asks again, this time a little more sternly but his voice still soft. He leans in to kiss her. She almost loses herself in his familiar touch, waiting for his lips to press against hers. When he gets close enough that she can feel his breath on her lips, she sighs as Travis' face enters her mind.

Her heart stops and she pulls back quickly. " No," she says, now feeling ashamed as she shakes her head to back up her words. " No, Ray, I'm not sure," she swallows and looks down at her hands. " I'm not sure of anything right now."

" Real nice," he says in an aggravated tone " Rejected again." He gives her a defeated look " You know Lil, I can't do this anymore. I won't play this game anymore."

Ouch, those words stung but she knew that they were true. " And I won't make you," she says, her voice barely audible, now looking back up at him. " I love you Ray. I do and I always will, but I don't think I love you in the way you want me to."

She turns her head as she prepares to tell him the truth, or at least what truth she knew of at that very second. " When I'm with you, I feel comfort. I feel like no one can hurt me...like nothing can hurt me. I feel safe and yes, I am attracted to you but those aren't the reasons you want me to be with you are they? If I stay with you because it feels like the safe thing to do, that wouldn't be fair to either of us...Would it?"

He sits silently for awhile as he takes her words in. They hurt but they were true. He didn't want that from her, he wanted to make her feel much more than comfort. " No," he says finally " I don't want that." He stares at her distant look and finally says " Look at me Lily...I have to know."

She doesn't want to look back. She doesn't want to answer the question she knows that he is about to ask. She does though. She looks at him anyway.

" Is there anyone else that makes you feel more?" he asks bluntly " Anyone? Whether I know them or not," he says as an afterthought.

She gives him a hardened look " That isn't a fair question Ray," she can see that he is hurting again, she knows that is all because of her and her heart feels like it is trapped in a vice." I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. The only thing that I do know and can promise you is that I will never hurt you again. I can't do it." She realizes her hands are trembling again " I don't want to hurt you now but I can't lie to you again either. I will never intentionally do it again though. You are my best friend and will always be one of the most important people in my life. I never want to see you hurt. Especially if I were the one that caused it."

He stands. " I know you won't, Lily," he says, his voice soft again as he runs his hands down the front of his pants to dry the sweat off of them. " We have a pact okay?" he smiles and it is almost genuine " We are best friends and neither of us will ever jeopardize that. I will try my best to never hurt you again either."

She stands up and quickly throws her arms around him " I do love you," she whispers " I do and I meant it...Everything I said." She squeezes him tightly before turning around. " I'm going upstairs...I...I have to be alone," she says, her voice unsteady from the threat of another bout of tears. He knew his way out and she knew that he wouldn't try and follow her.


	6. Just Like Old Times

**A/N: This story takes place right after 'You've got Email' as I'm sure you figured out.**

**Disclaimer: They're not mine.**

She makes her way back to her room before she breaks down in uncontrollable sobs again, burying her face into her pillow. She had heard the door close and as it did, she felt like a part of her had left with it. A part of her that would never be back. _You don't deserve anyone,_ she thinks. _If you can't even understand your own heart, you **should **be left in "no mans land"_. Her half-hearted attempt at humor only made her cry harder. Unaware, she finally drifts off.

Her alarm clock buzzes loudly in her ear the next morning. Lily groans as she slaps at it to silence it. She takes a few minutes then pries her eyes open. Oh why did her head hurt so badly? Her discussions with Travis and Ray come flooding into her memory and she feels even worse than she had when she first woke.

She slowly gets out of bed and begins to rummage through her closet. School would really suck today and she wouldn't let her mind go as far as to think of RFR. When she is finally showered and dressed for the day, she decides to bound quickly downstairs, past her parents. If they saw her swollen eyes, they would ask questions she couldn't answer without crying again, making her look even worse.

She arrives at school a little early and decides to find somewhere to hide. As she hurrys to the stairwell, she almost runs Travis over. " Sorry," she says quickly, cursing herself for going this way " I'm late, I need to get to...," she cuts off, remembering that she had been early.

Travis looks down, pausing for a moment before facing her again. " Don't do this Lily," he says quietly " I tried, I don't want to lose you but you're pushing me away. He reaches out and gently touches her arm " I couldn't sleep at all last night. I couldn't get you out of my mind. I couldn't get the softness of your lips and the way it made me feel out of my mind..."

She gazes back into his eyes, forgetting again that there was a world revolving around them. " I'm sorry," she says, her fingertips brushing against the hand that gently rested on her arm.

Feeling relieved, he says " I told you yesterday, there isn't anything to be sorry about." She blushes at the thought of their quick but overwhelming kiss. " I mean I'm sorry for the way I acted, for what I said. For pushing you away," she takes a step closer to him then she hears his voice and catches a glimpse of his dark hair. She pulls back from Travis's touch quickly, remembering her conversation with Ray.

" You have Bridget now," she says, using every fiber of her being to stay and sound strong. " I'm sorry for jeopardizing that. I'm sorry for jeopardizing our friendship. It won't happen again Travis."

" I've already written her," he says " I can't stay with her now. I can't nor will I let her believe in a lie." He feels the knife plunge into his heart once again as he pulls his hand back.

" I'm sorry for that too," she says as Ray approaches.

" What's with the long faces?" Ray says " You'd think somebody died." He thinks about what he just said " Umm...Nobody died did they?"

Lily rolls her eyes and laughs at him " No, Ray, not unless your brain counts." He puts on his fake smile along with Lily and Travis " Har, har. Lil, you are so funny." He hated this. He could have cut through the tension with a knife." You guys headed to first period?" he asks " I have to study for that test in bio or I'll never get out of that class. I could use some help."

" There is no help I can give you man," Travis grins " Maybe if you tried to study once in awhile."

Ray looks at Travis " Oh shut it. I wasn't born with the knowledge gene like you." He stops for a moment " You know what I mean."

Travis starts walking down the stairs and laughs " No Ray, I honestly don't."

Lily guides Ray up the stairs " Come on, I'll help," she says, wondering if anything would ever be the same again.

They sit on the couch in the hallway, both feeling the tension and horrible awkwardness. Ray taps his pen on his notebook as he pretends to study. She takes a moment to look at him. He was trying so hard but she knew that he was in pain. She knew that the question of "Will everything ever be the same again" had already been answered. She just wasn't ready to accept it yet.

" About yesterday," he says, his voice filled with uncertainty " I want you to know that I am okay." He scratches his head and steals a side glance at her. " Everything will go back to normal and we'll forget all of this craziness."

" Yesterday never happened," she answers " Well, most of it anyway." She lies back in her seat " I meant every word that I said to you but as for the rest, it is officially forgotten.

Now he turns to look at her " What has been forgotten?" She could be hard to figure out sometimes but he really had no clue as to what she was talking about, unless she meant how angry she had gotten during the broadcast.

" All of it," she says in a defiant voice " Just...Ray, just please forget the entire day. And while you're at it, forget the entire week." She closes her eyes as she rests her head against the back of the couch. " Sometimes life really sucks out loud...Sometimes I just want to go back to being six years old again and freeze time."

" It's forgotten," he says, wanting to make her happy again " I don't remember a thing." He nudges her " I can forget dropping my lunch tray in front of the entire school. Hey, this forgetting thing is working for me." He grins at her as she looks over at him "Freeze time? Jeez, you're starting to sound like Travis."

She hopes that he doesn't notice her eyes widen slightly at the sound of Travis' name and she really hopes that she can turn this into a normal conversation without her nervousness showing. " You dropped your lunch tray?" she laughs " I hate that I missed out on that one."

" Not much to see," he says, glad to hear the sound of hear laugh again " I was just watching Robbie talking to Kim and ran smack into River Pierce." He looks away for a minute, now thinking about Robbie and Kim. He had totally forgotten the situation after his mishap. " River wasn't too happy about wearing my mashed potatoes for the rest of the day, but I got out unscathed. My lunch didn't make it though." He chews on the end of his pen thoughtfully " What's up with Robbie talking to Kim so often these days? It's just weird if you ask me."

" They like to argue," she replies, not wanting to give Ray any ammo to bother Robbie with " You know how he feels about Cougar Radio and I think that every time he gets an opportunity, he likes to make Kim mad."

" I guess so," Ray shrugs, now looking back at his notebook " Help me out here would ya? I'm going to fail this test, unless you can put some of that voodoo on me that Ed and Ted put on you."

" It wasn't voodoo," she says, punching his arm " I just finally understood what they were trying to show me. You could do the same thing if you just put half the effort into studying as you do trying to find ways to get out of it."

" Voodoo," he proclaims, bracing his self for the next punch.


	7. Tension

**A/N: The quicker I try to get this out, the longer it seems to take. Thanks to everyone that is still there. I do appreciate the reviews and thank you, AllisonI3, for staying with me too. It's almost over. whew**

She finds Ray before lunch. " How did your test go?"

He shrugs " Alright. I would have done better if you would have put the Ed, Ted voodoo on me."

She rolls her eyes "Are you ready to get something to eat after your  
ordeal?"

" Hey," he smiles " It wasn't an ordeal, it was a breeze. Nothing the  
Raymister couldn't handle."

" Ok, ok," she giggles " I'm ready for some of those tater things though. We  
have to get there fast." She takes him in for a second and almost hugs him.  
He really had no idea how precious he was to her.

" You okay Lil?" he asks, noticing the strange look she was giving him.

" Yeah," she answers, turning red " I'm sorry. I don't know where my head is  
these days."

" Well, I kind of wanted to talk to you about that," he says " I mean, I  
don't know where your head is these days but...well, I don't want to be the  
cause of any of your pain. Lily, I want for you to be happy. Just forget  
everything, like I told you to and if...if you want to be with someone else,  
then do it." He smiles " You'll get over who ever it is and come crawling  
back to me anyway."

She doesn't even have the strength to punch him this time. All of her energy  
seemed to be drained. " I know Ray. I do. I'm tired of it all you know? I  
don't think I want a boyfriend until I graduate from college," she sighs. "  
I could never keep up with you anyway," she teases " I'm surprised you don't  
have a date for lunch."

" Well, actually," he grins, this time earning a punch from her as they walk  
to the lunchroom.

It doesn't take long for Travis and Robbie to join Lily and Ray at their usual spot at the lunchroom table. " What's the matter Swami?" Ray asks playfully " You're quieter than usual  
today. Are you doing one of those meditation, trance things now?"

" No," Travis answers, not bothering to correct Ray over the "Swami" comment,  
" I'm just...Well, I broke up with Bridget last night," he answers. Leaning  
in toward Ray he says " You want to know the really ironic thing about it?  
She said that she was going to stay in Hong Kong anyway."

_Well, you left that little bit of info out, Trav,_ Lily thinks, now  
wondering what had actually happened between Travis and Bridget but knowing  
better than to try and ask in front of Robbie and Ray.

" Oh," Ray says, taken a back by Travis' answer " I'm sorry man, you should  
have told me that earlier. I was just kidding around with you." He thinks  
about it for a second " Why were you going to break up with her in the first  
place? I thought the two of you were really umm...connecting." Travis glances at Lily. A very quick glance, so quick that he doubted anyone  
would catch it but it was enough to make her heart do that thing it did when  
she talked or even looked at Travis these days.

" I suppose it just wasn'tsupposed to be," he shrugs " I put a lot of thought into it and really, I think it was all too sudden. We were good friends and it should have just stayed that way." He takes in a breath " Really, I believe the feelings that I felt for her weren't totally real. I wasn't honest with her nor myself. I was trying to hard to be spontaneous and I think I was just feeling lonely." He sneaks another glance at Lily.

_Low Travis,_ she thinks, not bothering to look away _You will so pay._ She  
hopes that her thoughts bore into his mind as her eyes do his.

" Wow," Ray says, popping a fry into his mouth " I'm really sorry, man," he  
says, feeling more than a little guilty that he had pushed the two of them  
into a relationship. _Who could blame me though?_ he thinks as he steals his  
own look at Lily. His eyes narrow as he notices the faraway but angry look  
on her face. " What's up with you Lil?" he asks, feeling as if everyone at  
the table were down and out. " And Robbie, you haven't been yourself either  
lately...Is there something that I don't know about with you guys?"

Lily answers first, feeling nervous and defensive " No Ray. Sorry for having  
a few thoughts of my own." Oops, she hadn't meant to snap at him. " Sorry,"  
she says, rubbing her temples " I'm just feeling...off today. I didn't sleep  
well," she glances at Travis before looking at Robbie " And what's your  
story? You have been acting weird for days now."

Travis has no appetite anymore. Why did she have to look at him that way? It  
made him feel so guilty. He wished that they really did have a time machine  
so that he could go back to when he helped her with her single. He would  
make sure that things didn't wind up like this.

" I'm fine," Robbie says as he see's Kim across the lunchroom " I just  
haven't been myself either lately I guess, but that's all going to change  
starting now." He decides that he will put Kim out of his mind, well, at  
least for now. She was beginning to consume his thoughts and he didn't like  
it.

" Okaaay," Ray says as he looks at his three best friends acting like their  
dog had died or aliens had taken over their bodies. " Well Trav, I'll get  
you a date," he smiles " I won't go back on my promise and there is no  
better way than to forget a girl than by going out with another," he lies  
forcing himself not to look at Lily.

" Thanks but no thanks," Travis answers " I think I'll stay single for  
awhile. Life seems to be a lot less stressful that way." " Your decision man," Ray shrugs, still afraid to make eye contact with  
Lily.

" Yeah," Lily says, trying to gather her composure " Not having to deal with  
a significant other and all of the emotional baggage that comes with it, is  
refreshing." There. She hoped that they would both feel that one because she  
had certainly felt their comments. They had felt like knives stabbing her  
heart. Now that everyone at the entire table felt uncomfortable, the entire lunch  
period felt as if it would never end. Ray couldn't even come up with jokes  
to lighten the mood as he felt confused and irritated at the same time by  
his friends.

When they were finished pushing their food around their plates, trying to  
pretend to eat and make some semblance of a conversation, they all suddenly  
seemed to have something to do at the same time and left the table  
hurriedly, in separate ways.


	8. It All Falls Down

**A/N: Shut it Romulus ;-)**

After a few days of tension, Travis corners Lily. " We need to talk."

She looks at him and shrugs " We have nothing to say."

He sighs " I'm tired of this...Aren't you tired of this? Lil', we really need to talk."

" I'm late for class," she answers, pushing him out of the way.

He stops her " I'll be at the station early. I will wait for you, you know that we need  
to stop this."

She glares at him " It stopped before it started," she says as she jerks away " You have your own issues to work out Travis, and me, I have a promise to keep." He gives her a confused look as she jerks away and leaves him there. Just as she turns the corner, she runs into Ray. " What's going on?" he asks with an edge in his voice.

" Nothing," she answers " I'm trying to get to class, if I have everyone's permission."

" Whoa," he says, his hands in the air as he backs up " Don't take it out on  
me Lily." He had heard her talking to Travis and decides to let his opinion drop for the moment. " Sorry," she says, as she walks by him.

" Me too," he sighs. Ray turns and walks the other way, not in the mood to talk to Travis. Head down and his hands in his pockets, he knew he probably looked as lost as he felt. _So, she never really got over him and here I was thinking that she still had feelings for me somewhere inside._ He stops in front of his classroom and looks up. _Lily might not want to talk to you Travis, but I do,_ he decides. Maybe he and Travis weren't the best of friends, but he felt that they did have a developing friendship. _You had to go and mess all of that up, didn't you Swami?_

Lily sits through all of her classes not paying attention at all the entire day. She goes back outside to her refuge during lunch. _You have to make a decision and you have to make it **now**,_ she thinks while she sits on the bench outside. Yes, it hurt to hear Ray talk about other girls and she knew that there were feelings there, however, he never made her feel like Travis did. Somehow, Travis made her feel not only excited by just being close to him but a different kind of excitement than she had ever felt with Ray. A kind that she couldn't even explain to herself but it was something that made her feel more alive than she ever had before. Still, there was her promise to Ray and she knew that she could never break it. She couldn't lose either of them. She feels a pang of guilt as she thinks about how terrible she had been to both of them lately. _So you have to do what is best for everybody,_ she thinks _You have to go talk to Travis and tell him that you are sorry. Sorry for the way you have treated him and that friendship will be all we'll ever have together._ She looks at the sky ' Even though it's not what you want to do, _You'll do it for both of them. You will make a sacrifice, and for once in your life, you will do the right thing._She gets up and heads to the music room to find Parker.

After school, she hestitates once more as she walks toward the station. _Go,_ her mind screams at her, _Go now, before you make another mistake._ With that in mind, she begins to run.

Her cheeks are flushed from running as she enters the station. He was there. Waiting. Waiting for her. He looks at her and she feels that at that moment, he can see her heart, that he can see right into her soul. She stops, everything stops, time, her heart, her breath. They just look at one another for what seems like a lifetime but it couldn't have been for more than a few seconds...Right? Oh God, what was she going to say? She couldn't even move,  
much less form a coherent sentence. " I'm quitting," he says softly.

This doesn't register and she cocks her head to the side. " What?" she breathes, her voice not sounding like her own. " I'm not doing this to myself anymore," he says, closing his eyes " I won't do it to you...Tell me what you want Lily but you feel it as strongly as I do." He breathes in deeply " I'll teach Robbie how to work the booth. He can do it. I won't leave the station stranded but I won't sit here and feel a part of myself dying slowly everyday. She can feel her heart break and understands, for the first time in her life, what it truly felt like to feel it break. Somehow she walks to him, not remembering how she got there but she must have because she was in the booth with him right now so she had to have moved right? " Travis," she says, her voice now pleading " No...What...You can't leave me," she's stuttering now, wonderful " You can't leave the station."

Ray makes his way slowly down the stairs, really not wanting to say what he had to say to Travis. Lily would always be his and nothing was going to stop that. He opens the door and just stands there to watch as he see's Lily and Travis together. _So, you'll both do this to me again?_ he thinks as a new pain hits him. This time he knew he would lose two of his best friends. He quietly closes the door behind him and wordlessly takes a seat on the couch beside the door.


	9. That's a Wrap

**A/N: Finally, the end. I appreciate everyone that took the time to read my attempt at a fic. Now, I'll go and attempt some smut and if you feel like suffering through that too, then I will promise to try to make it better than this. I need a :cough: beta :cough: ;-)**

Travis stands, his hand tracing her cheek as he feels a shudder go through him, remembering the last time he had touched her that way. The time that he had the door slammed in his face.

" I'm not leaving you. I can't see you everyday and lie to myself by pretending that I don't love you." Now it's his turn to feel the sting of tears behind his eyes, without moving, the tears fall down his face. " This hurts, Lily, it's more than I can handle. I've tried...I've tried to make it go away. I've tried to make myself believe that all I felt was friendship for you. I've tried to love someone else...," he stops as he tries to calm himself and get the words out that she needed to hear " I'm losing my best friend. I have to stay away from you...for awhile."

She shakes her head, trying to hold her own tears. " No," she whispers " No, you can't do this." She backs away, turning from his touch which burned into her heart. " If you...Travis," she looks away " If you love me, you won't leave." How selfish could she actually be? She hates herself as the words come out of her mouth but she says them anyway. She feels as ashamed as she does desperate. How could she expect him to be at her beck and call? How could she live without at least looking into those green eyes at least for an hour a day? Yes, it was wrong, it was all wrong but she could at least have him in the same room with her everyday.

" And if you feel anything for me, you wouldn't ask me to stay," he says quietly. " It's over Lily. All of it. The games, the lies I tell myself, the torture I endure as I see you everyday... Right over there," he nods to her spot by her mic. " I tell myself that today I won't look, that I will force myself to see you as I did before and it doesn't work." He wipes at his face with the back of his hand. " If I see you at school, I will have to turn away. I won't leave you forever nor will I forget what a true friend you are. When I get you out of here," he says, pointing to his heart " I will come back to you...If you will have me."

Ray swallows, now feeling guilty. This was not what he had expected. He closes his eyes and rests his head against the wall, really just wanting it all to go away.

" Goodbye," he whispers as now can't find his voice. " Goodbye to this chapter anyway." He picks his things up " Tell them that I can't do today's show. Tell them that I am sorry but I just can't. You don't have to explain anymore than that and you won't be lying."

He means to walk by her without another word. He tries to summon the strength to do so but can't. Stopping to look at her, he takes her in, thinking about how she honestly didn't know how lovely she truly was. " You are perfection Lily," he says in awe. " Everything and more than anyone could want." He tries to smile " Remember what I told you long ago, believe in yourself. Do that and you will find that things will fall into place." He swallows hard, wanting to tell her what he had trapped inside for so long. Putting his things back down, he gently takes her hand, careful to keep his distance " You are so special, so unique and you have...You have no idea. I do, and though I will never find anyone like you again, I will keep you in my heart. Always." He gives her hand a gentle squeeze . " Don't be so hard on yourself and trust me, this will all go away in time. The hurt that is."

" It won't," she says quietly but fiercely " It will never truly go away." She knows that she shouldn't, but at the same time, she knows that she can't stop now. " I do love you, Travis. Everything about you. From your silly quirks, to your deep, serious, sensitive being. You think that you've hidden yourself so well but you're wrong. I know you and I am in love with everything that you are." There, she had said it and though she felt like a weight had been lifted from her heart, she also felt a new cut with feelings that she had kept hidden from herself seeping out.

He can feel his hand tremble as he still grasps hers. She had said the words that he had longed to hear for so long now. She meant them and it only made the pain intensify. He knew that he could never really have her. He couldn't have her and keep his new and what he had thought was his permanent family. He had gotten closer to Ray and couldn't hurt him again, everything was so different now. " I love you," he says " But so does he and it will never happen Lily." He lets her hand go as he turns to gather his things again, quickly, he had to move quickly or things would get out of hand this time.

" You do?" she snaps, feeling out of control " Or are you just feeling lonely or maybe this is just a spontaneous thing! Do you know how to love?" Travis looks as if he'd been slapped and she knows that she is not being fair. " I'm sorry. Please, Travis, I didn't mean that." She looks at him now with embarrassment in her eyes. " I was and still am jealous of Bridget, I admit it." She breathes in slowly, trying to steady herself " You love me?" she asks meekly.

" I think you've always known that," he answers " You knew it before I did." He's nervous about his next words but knows they have to be said " It never should have happened. I should have never looked at you in that way to begin with. Ray is my friend and I can't say that I have had many of them. Not real ones anyway," he says, looking down.

Ray squeezes his eyes shut and wishes with everything he has in him that this would turn out to be a dream. That it wouldn't be real, no, it couldn't be real. He almost stands but finds that he is unable to move. He knows that he wouldn't know what to say if he did gather the nerve to stand. He loved her and now knew how she felt about Travis. He knew that deep down, he really did respect and care for Travis' friendship too. _If only you stayed away,_ he curses himself.

She grabs Travis' arm tightly " I love him too," she says " I do, but I'll never love him in the way that he wants me too." This time, she cups his face, turning him toward her " Not like I do you." She stops this time, stops analyzing, stops the guilt as she presses her forehead to his. " Kiss me," she whispers, her mouth barely touching his " Just stop everything and kiss me Travis.

" No," he whispers back, finding his voice gone too now. She was so close, he could feel her breath, her mouth touch his. " This was never meant to be...I can't...do it all over," his lips brush hers with every syllable. He doesn't have a chance to say another word as his lips crash desperately down on hers, their hands intertwine, grasping one another as if their very lives depended on it. His other hand slips around her neck, pulling her closer as he deepens the kiss. She whimpers softly as he does, feeling now as if she could never get enough of him. That even eternity wouldn't be long enough. She doesn't realize her face is wet with fresh tears, until she tastes the salty sensation in her mouth. She pulls back, knowing that he can feel her heart this time. It had never pounded so hard, so loudly. She stares into his eyes, loving every second that she was lost in him. " Travis," she says softly, now smiling " I need..." She is cut off by the sound of her conscience screaming at her. " I need you," she finishes, her voice a little raspy now " I do, but I can't." She pushes against his chest to pull away.

" I know," he answers feeling the sting left by her touch. " Because of Ray." He says the words aloud as a sort of a confirmation for him and for Lily. " No matter how much time passes, this can never be can it?" He asks, knowing the answer. " Don't," he says, touching his forefinger to her lips " You don't have to say it. I understand because I feel it too." He releases her and backs up, feeling light-headed from her touch, he rests his hand on the chair beside them.

" I'm sorry," she whispers " I am Travis but I promised him that I would never hurt him again and I won't. He means too much to me." She looks up at Travis quickly " You mean everything to me too, you do, I can't lose either of you." She pauses " This never happened. Like you said before, it never happened."

Ray can't handle anymore. He isn't sure what hurts more, the fact that she loved Travis or the fact that both of them would give up what they felt for him. " No," he says, finding the strength to stand " You can't do this. I won't let either of you." Lily gasps as Travis just gapes, both of them feeling ashamed.

" Ray...how long have you," Lily starts but stops herself as she can see her answer on Ray's face.

" Lily," Ray says in his bravest voice " I will always love you, no matter where you are or who you're with but you will not stop living because of me. If you want to keep your promise, then stay where you are right now." He turns to leave the room " Trav, you've made me believe in you man. I mean really believe in your friendship and I won't forget it," he says as he starts to walk away.

" Ray," Travis says, finding his voice " Don't go. You can't go anyway, we start in fifteen."

Ray turns around to look at his friend " You know, it would have looked so much better if you would've let me leave." His look is serious at first, then he breaks into a smile. " I'm not going to stand here and tell either of you that this doesn't hurt like hell but...," he pauses and looks to both of them with sincerity " At the same time, I've never felt so much love. I'm lucky," he winks " I don't know of anyone that has friends like the two of you." He takes his place by his mic. " This is Pronto and he's learned a valuable lesson today," he says into the mic, pretending the show had begun. " He's learned what true friendship is and will never take it for granted again."

Robbie then walks into the station, instantly feeling that something deep had unfolded but deciding to keep the questions to himself this time. He glances at Travis and Lily in the booth and raises his brow at Ray.

" Besides, she'll come crawling back to me one day. No one can resist the great Ray Brennen for long," Ray grins. Travis and Lily laugh, both feeling elated and relieved. Robbie still looks at Ray " No Ray," he says " You are definitely one of a kind."


End file.
